Veggy Christmas

By Glen Staples
Managing Editor, RBU: The Group Blog
www.glenslife.com


Barry looked around him and waited for quiet. The room was boisterous and tense, nervous with excitement and it was going to be up to Barry to calm things down.

With a sigh, Barry surveyed the room. As usual everyone was huddled into their little teams. No matter how many different morale boosting events Barry had organised, no matter how many memos he sent around about inter-team communication, nothing ever changed. They still grouped together, never really trusting anyone from outside.

As wizened and experienced as Barry was, he couldn’t see the concern that everyone else saw every day; even though he was staring right at it.

The answer was right in front of him as he looked about him trying to put names to faces. Faces that were new. Faces that kept on changing.

No one felt safe. Old faces were going all the time, replaced immediately with younger ones. Only one team seemed safe and that was Barry’s own team. Everyone else in the company called Barry’s boys ‘The Untouchables’. Anyone and everyone else could expect to be marched out of the door at any time, but The Untouchables just sat back and watched.

Barry called the meeting to order and personally invited his first speaker to take the microphone, or he would have done if he could have remembered his name. Instead he stumbled a little and simply announced that the ‘Head of Night Vision’ should come to the stage – what was his name again? It seemed like these boys completely changed every week – they were so hard to keep. Luckily, there were always more of them knocking at the door looking for work.

Christopher, the longest serving carrot in the vegetable cupboard, stood up and walked slowly forward, giving Barry a cold stare as he did so. No one liked Barry, nor did they trust his favoured team of smug brussel sprouts. They just sat there in the cupboard doing nothing but getting old. The ‘Great Human Resources Hand’ from the sky never picked them for redundancy. Not for them the one way trip out of the company, never to be heard from again. No, Barry’s special team of baby cabbages just sat there as everyone else bit the bullet.

No wonder everyone hated them.

But today Christopher had an announcement to make, something that was going to wipe that smile off Barry’s fat face and turn it into panic. Christopher knew something that Barry did not. The time was right for a coup. From now on things were going to change.

“Yes, thank you Barry, good afternoon everyone, I’m glad you could all make it for this special meeting. There are lots of new faces here as I’m sure the break-room lawyers have already noted… You know who you are! Anyway, it’s time to put the rumours to bed and put the record straight.

You are right, our numbers are growing. Not only that but I happen to know for a fact, because I heard the ‘All Mighty HR team’ – blessed be thy name”  

“Blessed be thy name and glory to their wisdom”, chorused the crowd with well-practised fear.

“We carrots were bought here separately from Waitrose as you know, and I overheard a discussion as we were being carried from the Holy Car-Boot.”

As Barry carefully joined in with every single vegetable in the cupboard and made the sacred sign of the steering wheel at the mention of the Lord’s Nissan, he also coughed. This was not on the agenda and he wasn’t happy at all. Where was this going?

“Our numbers are not yet fully grown. There are more vegetables coming. A team we all will know. Ladies and Gentlemen – The parsnips are coming!”

The crowd gasped, the potatoes practically screamed in excitement while the sweed just sighed inwardly.

Barry could hardly breathe. He hated the parsnips. They were full of themselves and arrogant. They would challenge his authority from the moment they arrived. Why were the parsnips coming anyway? What did that actually mean?

Unless? Oh God no! Before Barry could think any further, Christopher continued.

“Yes, the parsnips are coming and that is NOT all. Everyone prepare yourself. There is a Turkey on order. There is a huge pot of cranberry sauce out there.  It’s Christmas people.  You all know what Christmas means don’t you? Barry? You do know what Christmas means don’t you?”

Barry knew. All the Brussels knew. Their days were numbered. Everyone’s were. The cupboard would be emptied. The whole company would be put into liquidation.

For some reason the bombshell came as a relief. The loneliness and rejection of being the vegetable that everyone loves to hate was coming to an end. As he looked around him he could see that he wasn’t the only one feeling like this. The Untouchables were no longer despised. Everyone was in the same boat, all were now equal. There would be no one left behind this time.

As his fellow sprouts shook hands with peas, and carrots patted runner beans’ backs he made a decision. Slowly, he walked over to red cabbage. Barry had never actually spoken to Red before, they had never hit it off. They never really could accept each other, but the time was right for one of them to make the move. Barry stood and smiled awkwardly, as did Red. They both thrust out their hands to shake but it just didn’t seem right.

“Oh sod it!” shouted Barry as he moved forward and threw his arms out. Red laughed as he took the embrace and warmly gave it back. No words would do the moment justice, I’m welling up just thinking about it. Barry and Red nodded at each other; they would face this together.    

  

Barry turned, caught Christopher’s attention and banged his hands on the table to gain attention.

Once the crowd was quietened he spoke. “I’d just like to say a big Thank You to Chris for bringing this news to our attention. Things are going to be difficult but we can do this. We stick together people. All of us.

Somebody break open the emergency ale and get some music on. Come on everyone let’s party, let’s dance. It’s Christmas people – start smiling.”

The crowd cheered and began to bustle as preparations for a party began. Meanwhile Christopher came over, patted Barry on his broad shoulder and said, “So this is it then?”

“Yep”, said Barry, “Happy Christmas”

And he meant it.

Meanwhile, in a field by a farm in the next village along, Trevor the Turkey looked over at the smiling farmer who was walking towards him with a sack in one hand and his chopper in the other and thought, ”Oh now that’s different, I wonder what he wants?”